Happiness Is A Warm Gun
by cursym
Summary: It was always bound to end like this


_It was always bound to end like this. There was never any other option. She deluded herself to think that maybe she could be happy, that she deserve love, but it could never happen any other way. _

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* * *

Kalinda's head peeps through the door; she looks around and focuses on Alicia. "Are you all right?", she asks.

Such a simple question, no more than mere politeness from most people, but not when it's Kalinda who poses the question. Alicia can hear the underline 'who should I beat to make you all right?' or 'How can I make it better?', and even 'It is fine if you don't, I really want to know'.

She looks up and Smiles weakly, "I'm not sure". And it's all so familiar, that when Kalinda arches her eyebrow to signal she doesn't believe her she blurts "I've been sleeping with Peter".

She wants to laugh the moment the words leave her mouth. The absurdity of telling this to Kalinda of all people is not lost on her. Not to mention that this probably isn't the reason why she is less than all right.

Still, the words are out and there is no taking them back now. Kalinda doesn't look surprised, she probably isn't, though it is hard to tell with her.

She doesn't say a thing for a while and then "drinks?".

Such a simple question. Alicia is relieved, like this is exactly what she didn't know she's been needing, maybe it is.

"Sure, just let me grab my stuff". Kalinda nods and leaves.

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They're two shots in before any of them say something.

"So, Peter?"

"It's just sex", Alicia declares, and she doesn't know why she feels like she has to defend herself.

Kalinda just looks at her, and she can read the 'It's never just sex with you, Alicia'. And maybe that was true once, but not anymore, or so she wants to believe.

"Okay, maybe it's not just sex, but I don't love him anymore". No response from the other side, at least not a verbal one, and Alicia wonders when conversions became a one-sided deal.

"It's fun, and it's not complicated", she tries to justify herself, but there isn't judgment in Kalinda's eyes, just understanding. Alicia sighs into her glass, and wishes that what she's saying was true. Peter is her husband, the father of her kids, it shouldn't be complicated.

Kalinda reaches for her hand, squeezes it a little. "You deserve to be happy, Alicia".

They sit in silence again, and again it's Kalinda who breaks it.

"I'm with Cary". Alicia's head shots up at that.

"you're with Cary", she repeats, or maybe questions, she isn't quite sure.

"Sleeping with him", Kalinda clarifies, and Alicia really doesn't need to hear that. She feels like her head is spinning and she hasn't drunk nearly enough for that to happen.

"Why?", is the only thing that she's able to say.

In hindsight, it seems perfectly clear now, the way Cary's been acting lately, his all too smug face, all those times she saw them together.

Kalinda shrugs, "He's sweet, and he makes me feel normal".

Alicia knows she shouldn't do it, this is not how friends act, but for some reason, the thought of them sleeping with each other makes her sick.

"I don't think he's good for you".

She doesn't think she can last much longer talking about Cary and Kalinda so she quickly adds, "I don't feel very well, let's go home".

Kalinda looks like she was about to say something, instead she nods, pays their bill and helps Alicia to stand.

"Do you need me to take you home?", she asks, concerned.

Alicia almost tempted to say yes, to keep her away from Cary, but she shakes her head, "No, I'll be fine".

With one last look to make sure she's all right, Kalinda disappears.

When Peter asks her a couple of days later if she wants to go for dinner, just the two of them, she says no.

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Kalinda is on her way out when she hears the 'beep' that indicates she has a message, she open her phone, it's from Alicia: 'I need you'.

Kalinda doesn't hesitates and sends back: 'where are you?'. She gets her answer and texts back : 'be there in 15'.

Kalinda rushes to her car, her plans for the evening forgotten. She's at Alicia's doorstep in 13 minutes, trying to catch her breath as she rings the bell.

Alicia opens the door and looks a little tipsy but otherwise unharmed.

"Are you okay?", she asks her.

"Yeah", Alicia leaves the door open and goes back inside, indicating the Kalinda should follow.

Kalinda closes the door, "Do you need something?"

"Nothing", is the answer as Alicia pours herself another glass and offers one to Kalinda.

"Nothing?".

"Nothing", Alicia confirms.

"You called me here in the middle of the night for nothing?", she can't believe that Alicia would do that.

"I wanted to see you", she smiles and then she looks at her and seems to notice her clothes for the first time.

There is something like anger mixed with sadness in her eyes, "Why? Did I interrupt something? Were you on your way to see HIM?". And there is so much venom in the last word it takes Kalinda a moment to realize Alicia is actually talking about Cary.

The truth is Kalinda didn't sleep with Cary since the night she talked with Alicia, couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Cary? No, I'm not… we've stopped".

Alicia looks pleased and before Kalinda can comprehend what is happening Alicia is on her, kissing her like there's no tomorrow.

Kalinda pulls herself away, "No".

But Alicia is insistent, "Yes".

"You're drunk", she tries to argue, though she knows she lost the fight even before it began.

"No", Alicia stresses, "I've drunk a few glasses".

"You're going to regret it", one last attempt.

Alicia puts her hands on her face and turns her so she's looking straight at her, "I'm not that drunk that I don't know what I'm doing, Kalinda. You of all people should know the difference." She traces her lips with her finger, "I'm not going to regret it, I want this", now she leans in and kiss her gently, "the question is – do you?".

Battle lost, Kalinda nods and lets Alicia take control. She kisses her back and follows her to her bedroom. She allows Alicia to remove her clothes and doesn't rush her, lets her take her time exploring, even though it's not often she's patient in the bedroom. She makes sure Alicia is comfortable with her every move, searches for conformation before every step, and afterwards, she lets Alicia hold her as they fall asleep.

She wakes up first, trying to disentangled herself, to flee like she's done so many mornings, but Alicia is holding her hand, pulling her back to bed.

"Stay", she asks.

And Kalinda does, she will stay as long as Alicia let her.

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Surprisingly, things aren't weird between them. It is almost the same; when in work, they work, often they don't see each other at all. Sometimes, they go to some bar, the difference is, most of those night, they end up in one house or another. More accurately, they ends up in bed.

This is all. Kalinda isn't sure how to define it. They're exclusive, Kalinda because she can't think of anyone else she wants more, Alicia because that's just the person that she is, but it is not something they talk about.

She thinks she's happy, happier than she's been since she came to Chicago, maybe before that.

Alicia doesn't make promises and kalinda doesn't ask, she will take whatever Alicia is willing to give and it will be enough.

Tonight is different, Alicia invited her for dinner, said she wanted to do something special, just the two of them. Kalinda checks, it is one month since they first slept together. It makes her smile, that even though they aren't official, Alicia's still celebrates dates.

So here she is, across the table from Alicia, eating dinner with candle light, and if she wasn't with Alicia she would roll her eyes at herself.

Then a phone ring bursts their bubble, she see the caller i.d and knows that the night has came to an end. It's Peter, the election is close and Alicia is needed on more regular basis. She schools her features to not show her disappointment but she can't conceal her surprise when Alicia press 'ignore'.

She smiles at her, "Tonight is about us, Peter can wait". And for the first time in her life, Kalinda thinks her heart might explode.

That night, as far as Kalinda is concerned, they make love.

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Cary knows. Of course he does. He was always so keen about Kalinda. And he probably the one most affected by it.

He doesn't say anything, but he stares at Alicia with such intent these days.

She can't take it anymore.

"Something's wrong?", she asks him.

"No", he shrugs and goes for an easy smile.

She doesn't believe him, but lets it go, she just wants him to stop looking at her like this.

They work in silence for a while until he says, "What the hell are you doing, Alicia?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know what I'm talking about".

She does, but she isn't going to make it easy on him, her stare doesn't waver and he gives in, "Kalinda".

"What about her?", she plays the innocent card, though she long lost her right to do so.

"what are you doing with her?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about".

He is getting angry, "Don't play stupid Alicia, You're hurting her".

Now she's taken aback, "now I really have no idea what you're talking about.".

"God, Alicia, do you think about her for a second?", he hisses and she is sure he would be screaming if they weren't in the office where everyone passing by could hear. "She's in love with you".

Alicia laugh, "No, she's not, it's just fun, Cary, that's all".

He shakes his head, "Not for her, she will do anything for you, are you really that blind?".

That gives her pause, but she doesn't dwells on it. Cary goes on "You lead her on, you never going to leave Peter, never going to leave you family".

"I didn't make any promises, it is what it is, nothing more", she defends.

"The truth", he says, "is that you don't deserve her".

She wants to say something back, to tell him it is just bitterness that speaks from his mouth, that he can't handle the fact that Kalinda left him, that she's with her, but he is already gone.

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They both lie in bed, spent, breathing irregular. Kalinda's staring at the ceiling when she feels Alicia's moving to hover above her. She smiles and leans up for a kiss.

"You so beautiful", Alicia tells her, "I like you like this".

Kalinda raises her brow, not sure what Alicia means with 'this'.

Alicia laughs and brushes her hand through her hair, "with your hair down", she explains. Her hands moves lower to cup her cheek.

"And no makeup", now the hand is tracing her bottom lip "And no masks".

She smirks and turn her eyes further down, "and no clothes".

Kalinda chuckles "Yeah, you certainly seem to like me to be naked". She chooses to ignore the rest, what it could means, because sex is easy, sex she knows, what may be lying behind Alicia's words is more than she dares hope, maybe more than she can handle.

"Hmm", Alicia nuzzles at her neck, "I do have a weakness to your nakedness". She moves so she can look her in the eyes, her tone suddenly serious, "but I mean it, Kalinda, you are beautiful".

And Kalinda can feel another one of her walls cracks, can hear the thunder of her heart in her ears, can feels herself giving in, sinking deeper. She knows she can't, but it's almost like she must.

She has half a mind to just kiss Alicia, to turn them around and fuck her, to take away from this moment. She knows that she can do just that, and Alicia will laugh and smile and won't mention it again. But Kalinda doesn't believe in second chances, she will take whatever Alicia is willing to give, no matter how afraid she herself may be.

So she just holds Alicia close to her and whispers in her ear "thank you".

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Peter wins the elections. Despite the accusations, and scandals, and Maddie Hayward and Mike Kresteva and Alicia's 'no kids' rule, and due in no small part to Kalinda herself, Peter wins the elections.

Peter wins the elections, and Alicia is right there beside him, smiling to the camera, waving her hand, kissing Peter.

Kalinda can't stand it, she turns off the TV only to turn it back on five minutes later. She's torturing herself, but it is no less than she deserve. She somehow fooled herself to believe that it was real, that it could last, that Alicia was hers.

She was always bound to go back to Peter, he is the father of her children, her husband, he is the damn governor of Illinois.

Kalinda wants to scream, to punch someone, to get really drunk. She wants to lie in bed with Alicia and feel her. Instead she picks up the phone and dials.

"Hello?", there's a lot of noise and Kalinda barely discerns the voice.

"Hey, congratulations", she tries to sound cheerful, she's pretty sure she's not successful.

"Kalinda, wait a minute". Kalinda hears the sounds of people diminishes as Alicia, presumably, walk to somewhere more private.

"Hi, sorry, it's crazy here", Alicia apologizes.

"It's okay, just wanted to congratulate you, well done", she thinks she has more success this time with her tone, maybe.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, I…", she wants to say happy for you, wants to reassure her that all is well but she's choking on her words, so she finishes lamely "fine, really".

Alicia doesn't buy it, "Kalinda…", she almost implore, and Kalinda feels unexplained tug in her chest. There's a voice she can't quite hear and then Alicia's hushed "Yeah, I'll be out in a second".

"Sor.." But Kalinda cuts her off, "I'm OKay, Alicia. People are waiting. Go, be happy", And she hangs up.

Alicia would never leave her family, a short romance, sure, but not forever. Kalinda should have known that, Kalinda did know that.

She cries herself to sleep that night, but as she turns up to work next morning, nothing is visible anymore, nor will it ever be.

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Alicia closes her eyes and closes the door, she sneaked to her office in an attempt to escape the commotion outside. They were having some sort of party, a big case win, most likely. She is a little out of the loop as of late, but Will and Diane insisted that she (and Peter) must come to this party.

She is getting tired of parties, she is getting tired of a lot of things. She remembers a time when she was a good person, when she did things because she wanted to, because it felt right and not because that was what expected of her. It feels like it has been in another lifetime. Maybe it has.

She didn't tell Kalinda that it (whatever it was) was over, she didn't have to. Kalinda, like she always could, read her as an open book. She stopped standing just a little bit too close to her, she stopped sending her those looks that made her knees buckle in the middle of a meeting, and of course, they stopped sleeping together.

But other than that, the obvious, nothing has change between them, Kalinda seems unfazed, she still works with her on cases. She even asked her for drinks, 'to celebrate'. As far as anyone else is concerned, nothing is wrong with Kalinda.

Alicia knows better, she sees the circles around her eyes, she notices the way she cringes almost imperceptible every time she makes to touch her, she hears the distance in her voice and she feels the sadness in her stance.

But it is as it is. There was a fraction of time she believed it would end differently, when it seemed that the campaign was lost, the Peter won't win. She told herself then that she would be brave, that she would leave Peter and just be. But then Eli did his magic, somehow Peter won and she was right there beside him in the final steps, she felt she has to, that she owed him that, that she can't leave when he needed her most.

And now…

Alicia long since stopped believing that good people get reward; they usually end up with nothing. Alicia hasn't been a good person for a while now. Cary's words echo in her mind 'you don't deserve her'. Good people don't get what they deserve, Alicia, however, gets everything, a perfect family, a successful career, and an influence husband.

Peter is motioning for her to join him back at the party, and she leaves her office and goes to him.

'Yeah, I get everything', she thinks as she catch a sight of Kalinda in the other end of the room, 'everything except love'.


End file.
